In retrospect...

Anyone who has read this probably knows already the reason why I haven't added anything in months.
For those who don't know, Mr. C passed away on May 15, 2009 while in the hospital.
The last few months have been incredibly hard. I'm still coping with the idea that he's not here, he's not at home, and he's not coming back.
My grandfather was the one constant in an otherwise rocky journey. He was the moral compass of the entire family, and now there's very little left of his presence in the physical world. His apartment has been turned in, his car sold, accounts settled and closed. It's sort of frightening how quickly a person can be erased from the world.


RIP Dada, I know you are watching over us all from a more peaceful and sane place.

Creative Expressions

The day breaks.
It was already broken, really.
It's been broken for some time.
Coffee will move the sleep from my eyes, although
My eyes seem to see so little sleep.
It should be an easy job.
So much to do.
My beautiful children, getting older.
My beautiful grandfather, getting younger.
I'm too young for this, and you're too old.
Drool, pee, food, dead skin.
Clutter my laundry pile, it grows by the minute.
The children play, the old man sleeps.
Restful yet restless.
Long days of wondering, of watching him.
So much to do.
Dance class, puppy class, dinner to make.
Hither and tither.
Groceries, doctors, pharmacy yet again.
Helping you keep what dignity you still have.
Keeping the boundaries in place for your sake.
Modest to a fault, you are.
Afraid to smother, but needing to be close.
Just in case.
What if.
Will today be the day.
Would it bring relief or sadness.
Maybe both.
More meals, more diapers, more unanswered questions.
If only I could get the invisible crew in his room to help.
Is it better to be unaware of what's happening.
Another day of tender care.
Meds are done and you are tucked in to sleep.
Your visitors will come to entertain you in ways I cannot tonight.
Yes, I will tell them not to touch you.
Yes, the electric blanket is on.
Yes, the heat is on.
I know you are still cold, but it's all I can do.
I love you.
Peace is what I wish you could find when your mind wanders away.

Creative Work in Progress...

I love you.
As a child loves her father. Adoring, unfailing love.
As a nurse tends to her ailing patient. Confident in her duty but sad to know that nothing can fix this wound.
As a student loves her teacher and mentor. Learning life through eyes that have seen so much life and now look to the beyond.
As a parent loves their child. Caring, calming, soothing the world’s insults upon you.

I miss you.
The man that taught me how to bait a hook and paddle a canoe. Who taught me that a jeep with no doors or seatbelts was the safest place on earth. My father when I had none. My shelter and my safe harbor unfailingly.

I honor you.
For your service, compassion, selflessness. Putting everyone else in front of you in the line of life’s handouts of good fortune. For giving, if only to give joy to another with nothing asked in return.

There are some hurts that cannot be fixed. Insults which cannot be palliated that are inflicted upon your very soul. I can’t fix this. I can only try to help you understand what’s happening to you. I can hold your hand and help you keep your grip on this life we call reality, if you even want to. I want so badly to see that spark of life in your eyes again, but I’m afraid it’s gone now. Even if it isn’t gone, I’m afraid it will leave you far too soon.
But if you can remember nothing else, remember me. Remember I love you.